The Cycle

As darkness falls upon me,
I feel the dreaded feeling that
encompasses my whole being
and fills me with emptiness.
Those feelings rush in...
the ones that leave me exhausted
from trying to fight and win
a battle that is raging my entire body.

Cries for help go unheard.
The pain far outweighs anything
that anyone can ever relate to.
Very few know this kind of pain.

As hard as the physical pain is,
the other pain is so much deeper.
It stems from a rejection that others can't fathom.
It is unbearable but somehow makes me stronger.

It is becoming increasingly difficult
to hide the demon that has taken over.
Trying to act normal is a struggle and only
makes others question my conveyed helplessness.

Being alone is comforting...
I can cry and nobody will pity me.
I have become my own best friend
and I love and hate myself concurrently.

Judgement comes from all sides
and has taken so much from my soul.
I haven't the strength to fight much longer,
yet the only answer is not an option.

Sleep is so difficult.
The unconscious mind is as full of pain
as my body and nothing will mask it.
Please, I must rest and sleep in order to fight.

As the darkness fades to light
I am once again facing another battle.
Sunshine helps to focus but fighting alone
has still left me in the daytime dark.

My thoughts are jumbled, my head a fog...
it keeps me from being who I am.
Many do not know the real me...
You possibly never will.

I see and feel and think things that I hate.
My brain is full of garbage.
What once was functioning brilliantly
is now filled with mindless trails of sorrow.

The days are short and empty
with few bright spots to sustain me.
As the sun lowers in the west, I find myself
once again facing the darkness that I despise.

And so the cycle begins again,
the cycle of highs and lows,
pain and more pain, the actions of a fool...
so much that I can't remember from day to day.